Workout brought to you by your local hardware store

Sunday started a new phase (and new "program") of my "Jill gets healthy" journey.  New food plan and a new exercise program.  Both are kickin' my tuchas!  The new food plan takes a little more thought and planning than before and with the exclusion of pretty much all grains/pasta/rice I'm not able to fall back on my go-to breakfast of Grapenuts and almond milk.  Not impossible and this is only for 2 months, so I can do this.  Just means I have to plan ahead better than I have in the past.

Yesterday I arrived for my training session and just started to laugh.  As I pull up I see a wheelbarrow and a sledgehammer sitting out.  I guess Slyck meant it when she said we were going to get dirty!  Who knew that your yardwork standards could double as exercise equipment.  A quick jog to the mailbox pushing the wheelbarrow (full of rocks and dumbells - have no idea how much that sucker weighed), a few squats and deadlift type things, and then a jog back and I quickly realized that I have a LOT further to go on getting into shape.  When it came time for the sledgehammer - well I wish that I had more "oomph" left in me to really pound out my frustration.

Once again, I had a minor breakdown in my training session.  This time it wasn't that I thought I couldn't do the exercise "right" - it was just that I was so frustrated that I couldn't do it at all.  I could visualize what I was supposed to do, I was willing my leg to do what it was supposed to do and I just wasn't able to muster the energy/power to do it right away.  It kind of bugs me that when I work out this hard my eyes seem to "sweat" so easily.  Ok - yes - I cried.  Not because I am a wimp.  Not because I want to quit.  I tend to get emotional and weepy when I am fatigued (happens when I'm exhausted, happens when highly stressed, etc).  I absolutely hate crying in front of people primarily because I think it's perceived as weakness.  I know I'm being pushed out of a comfort zone (see previous post) and I'm ok with that.  It's just when I want to do it, when I want to push myself and I'm trying and my body just doesn't cooperate that I get frustrated.  Let me tell you - a runny nose and weepy eyes do not make for a good work out.  I was finally able to do about half of what I was supposed to do - and that took all the energy/power I could muster.

I think a lot of this stems from my need to "measure up" to what I think people expect of me.  I don't want to let people down or disappoint them.  If they ask me to do something a certain way - I want to do that.  This isn't a new thing.  I've had this ever since I was a kid.  I never wanted to disappoint a teacher - so I behaved correctly, did my work, etc.  I didn't want to disappoint my parents - so I did what they asked.  I placed expectations on myself and attributed them to other people.  I learned sometime after highschool that those expectations were self-imposed.  That I was setting expectations so high, but they were my own expectations of myself.  Sometimes I was a bit unreasonable in what I expected.  Maybe this is typical of an oldest child.  And it still shows up today - like when I lose it during a training session.  It's a mental thing, but there is a physical aspect too.  I push to achieve what is expected (both by me and my trainer), but when I hit a wall (sometimes literally) I get easily frustrated.  Unfortunately, that frustration manifests in tears at times.  Of course those tears then make me mad that I'm being "a wimp" and that only feeds the frustration.

Next time, Mr. Wheelbarrow and Mr. Sledghammer, I won't be taken down so easily.