Ever have a day when you're driving down the road, or sitting at your desk, or doing laundry and suddenly there is a flash of insight across your mind? A brief moment of such clarity it makes you catch your breath. I had one of those a couple of weeks ago. For a while now it has felt like my life is in a perpetual "tea-cup ride" state. [I completely borrowed that from "Uptown Girls" but I think that movie may have triggered the clarity. Don't ask.]
I never liked the tea-cup ride. It makes me sick. Give me the biggest roller coaster or a free-fall ride any day, but something that spins and spins and spins and spins .... *urp* (I'm sure there is a metaphor of my life in that sentence somewhere). So how have I missed that for the majority of my life I've been spinning. Maybe I'm at the center of it and just don't feel it. Or I've learned to keep my balance by not venturing out of the comfort zone. I've stepped outside of it from time to time and when I do I get flung ... other times launched. Moving to New York, that was a launch - and a very good thing. Possibly the best decision I have ever made and I believe that is because it was *my* choice. It was what *I* wanted and not what someone else wanted for me.
Maybe at 43 my inner-vision is becoming sharper (while my "outer" vision is still a little out of focus). For the majority of my life, I've been living under the influence of what others wanted for (or of) me. I'm not saying that this is a bad thing - my parents wanted me to have the best options/things/opportunities - and in many ways those influences have been positive and helped shape me into the person I am today. But I've let outside influences shape, bend, break, direct me for far too long.
Back in high school, I listened in on classmates eagerly discussing college majors, plans for the future - you know - that whole "what do you want to be when you grow up" discussion. My problem was that I didn't know the answer to that... and still don't if I am honest with myself. The whole concept of college baffled me. My mom loved being an educator and was *sure* that I would be an amazing teacher. My aunts reminded me regularly that when they were in college they only had the option of being a teacher or a nurse, that there were so many more opportunities for me and I shouldn't settle for being *just* a teacher. I *should* be a vet. I *should* be dentist. I *should* be a lawyer. And I felt guilty for not setting the bar at some lofty level regardless of it was what I wanted or not. And the spinning began. So many opportunities. So many options. So many "what if's". It was too much.
College - all eight years of it - was ... well it was. I was all over the place and my transcripts reflect that. I hated going to class because professors read out of the book, or straight from class notes that were purchased at the local "Notes N Quotes." There was no engagement in the classroom, yet a percentage of the grade was based on attendance. Why should I be there if I can read it on my own, take the test and pass? I was bored. So I skipped. And skipped. And withdrew. And hid. And hit rock bottom. There was a two-year funk in there somewhere (and that's a story for another time) that almost derailed me. Thanks to pretty amazing parents, good friends, and an academic advisor/drill sergeant I earned a degree. Looking back now I realize that the boredom didn't stem from the classes themselves. I was bored because I was pursuing someone else's vision of what I *should* be. It wasn't my passion, my vision, my dream so I quickly lost interest after the initial rush of novelty wore off.
When I was given a "do or die" option to get back into TAMU, I grabbed it. I followed the plan set out for me the first semester and then came the dreaded question - "what are you going to choose for your major?" Well, hell - I couldn't figure that out before, how am I going to do it now? I sat down with a pen, paper and the course catalog (yes, it was that long ago that we still used archaic things like pens, paper and an actual book). I made a list of things I enjoyed, things I thought I was good at (grammar obviously not top of the list), and my interests. Then I went through the course catalog and read through all of the options to find the one that was the best fit... and landed on Recreation, Park, and Tourism Sciences (RPTS). Many liked to call it the "Romp and Play" or "Run and Play" degree. I didn't care - it was a good fit and I had a set goal and strict focus. I look at my transcript now and I can see that shift in focus reflected in my grades. I took 21 hours my last semester in school and had the highest GPA of my cumulative collegiate career. I was so excited to be studying what appealed to me, what fit my vision, what was a good fit for me ... and then I graduated.
I spent two amazing summers in North Carolina working at a summer camp. If I knew there were full-time/year-round jobs in "camps" back then, I would have been in heaven. But again, I let other opinions influence me. "Camps" weren't a real job. I needed a "real" job. Through a friend, I landed a "real" job and I will be forever thankful as that led to other amazing opportunities - namely the move to NYC. However, that job was in IT (aka computer training/helpdesk/etc). I enjoyed it for a long time. It took me to some wonderful places and provided me the opportunity to meet some amazing people, but it wasn't what *I* wanted. Of course, I still wasn't sure of what *I* wanted. So many opportunities, so many things I wanted to try - all of them spinning past me and out of focus.
So here I am, still spinning. I've spent over 10 years in a profession that is "a job". The initial interest has long worn off. I've had few relationships - and am still single (and we're not going to delve into that whole mess in today's post) and still spinning around looking for "the one." I'm contemplating going back to school, but once again I'm fighting what others think I *should* do and what I want to do. It would really help if I could definitively say *what* it is that I want to do. I have a pretty good grasp of it at this point, but sadly there isn't a graduate program at TAMU offering what I want. The last thing I want to do is find something that "will do for now" and then fall into old habits of abandoning it because I lose interest. There are many things I find interesting, that I would genuinely like to study and learn, but those aren't my passion - they won't hold my interest long-term. And at this point in my life, if I'm going to invest in my personal growth, I want to grow what *I* want and not what others say I *should * want. There's time for those other things later. Right now - it's my turn. It's time for me to be the major influence on my own life. And it's time to stop the spinning... or at least slow it down.
Next time we'll be learning about my other "addictions" that contribute to this Life Under the Influence. :) Until then, I hope your own tea-cup ride of Life slows a bit for you to regain balance.
