For about a month I've been in a funk/fog/depression. I'm too stubborn to see a therapist or take a pill. I push myself through it and eventually will come out the other side ... stronger. I've been through this before (long time ago) and usually have been able to keep it bay. This time it sort of snuck up on me. I couldn't find my happy. And I couldn't figure out why I couldn't find my happy. What was my happy?
Of course this typically downward-spirals into a full on pity party for one. No one really likes me. They act like they are my friend out of some obligation. I'm really not "cool" enough for "those" people to really want to spend time with me. No one ever calls and asks me to go do things. Blah, blah, blah. Even I got annoyed listening to myself whine. I'd think "you can pick up a phone too you know. Why do *they* have to call *you*?" "Because, if they really like me they will call me." "So, how do you know they aren't thinking the same thing? That if you want to spend time with them, you'll call." (Yeah - I was having conversations with myself. Good thing no one actually witnessed these or I'd be in lockup for sure!) But, enough of that. This isn't a ploy for a pat on the head and "there, there, it'll be alright." Just setting up for the rest of the story.
Last night I had a break-through. Or possibly a break-down. I went to bed and suddenly the tears started. Next thing I know it is gut-wrenching, wracking sobs. I couldn't stop. My dog Gus moved from his normal spot of his back along the opposite pillow to his back against Mom's tummy. He kept licking my hand. I cried more. Then he started pacing and I knew he was upset and I started to try and get my tears under control - mainly to put him at ease. And that's when I realized. All I was wanting was to feel like I matter. I think this was triggered by some of the feelings swirling around the death of that person I know. How would people react if I suddenly died with no warning? Would it matter to them? Would I be a topic of gossip for a day? A week? Would people speculate? Would people feel safe to say the less-than-pleasant things they had held in check while I was alive? Would my life have mattered to anyone? Would I be missed? All of these thoughts were wrapped up in the tears and purged last night. Sometimes a good cry is necessary and cleansing. It helps to wash away that fog.
As my little Gus paced, I realized that I mattered to him. I know that I matter to my mother. I know I matter to a group of friends I've been blessed with. I realized that I don't need reassurances about this, but small reminders that I matter to someone go a long way. What I also realized is that others also like to know they matter and I need to do a better job of letting people know they matter to me. So with my newly found "happy" this morning, I also resolved to remind people I care about that they are important.
They matter.
I'd encourage everyone to let at least one person in their life know that they matter. You never know who is needing that simple reassurance that day.
