Catch & Release

Online dating.  Yeah - I'm a part of that scene.  These days, you just about have to be.  I'm not a "bar scene" kind of person.  Besides, in this town the bar scene is jam-packed with college kids and it just gets annoying.  I remember the days when 10PM was when I started getting ready to go out.  Now - I'm starting to get ready for bed.

I'm not quite sure what I'm doing with my online profiles, but whatever it is it's not working.  I tried the whole "clever" approach - that didn't work (or the guys didn't bother to read it).  I've tried the "just the facts" approach (with a hint of humor) - that didn't work.  What in my profile indicates that I want a guy who is looking for his soal [sic] mate?  

I've met a few of the guys who did respond and recently, there was one who seemed very promising.  I actually was looking forward to meeting him in person.  I enjoyed the humor that came through in his email (side-note: I do not talk on the phone until I've met someone in person) and my last email from him was about making plans to meet.  Then ... nothing.

You have to understand that this guy went from "you've inspired me to buy a bike and I want to join your cycling team and ride in the MS150" to " ... *insert crickets chirping here* ...".  So, last week I sent him an email to follow up and ask when/if he'd still like to get together.  The response I got was:

I apologize greatly for not contacting earlier. You seem like an absolutely wonderful person... Anyway, I suspended my OKC profile because I met a very nice woman in October (after my last email to you). So far, the relationship is going shockingly well, and I am happy...

Women are the most complex and amazing creatures in the world. So, I can only handle one at a time! Sorry, I'll have to take a rain check on the coffee...

Good luck sweetheart,

I wish I could say this was the first time this had happened to me.  It's not.  In fact, I once commented that my dating history makes me feel like I'm part of the catch & release program.  In the past couple of years I've really been trying to learn to not take this personally. It's not that they found someone "better THAN me" - it's that they've found someone "better FOR them."  Still doesn't make it feel better though.  Especially when I've gone out with them and from my perspective there was a good connection and I was looking forward to Date #2.

Lately, I will admit that I've avoided the whole dating thing.  I try to tell myself it's because I don't have time to devote to making a new relationship work.  Truth is, I probably am overloading my plate so I will have the excuse to avoid the dating pond.  I know that my confidence has taken a hit because I haven't been pleased with my "exterior".  I've been noticing lately that my confidence seems to be coming back (thanks to 17 pounds lost!) and I'm feeling better about me as a whole.  With that came the decision to start wading back into the dating pool.  And wouldn't you know the first "bite" I had - I got thrown back.  But, I'm not giving up.

The other night I started thinking about a girl I know who put an ad out on Craigslist personals.  She was specific about what she wanted (and didn't want).  She's now in a great relationship with a guy who is "just right" for her.  So, of course I started composing my own "bare basics - no holds barred - this is what I want" profile.

Maybe I'll post it once I actually write it down.

Until later - gone fishing ....

Well that's one I haven't heard of before...

Piriformis Syndrome - that's the newest "ouch" to add to my list.  Oh wait - sorry - it's Bilateral (I got it on both sides because if I'm going to do something I'm going to go all out).

Last week, prior to me getting sick and then Slyck getting sick, I was on my return trip up the driveway running with the wheelbarrow full of dumbbells when something up in my left hip joint just "screamed".   I could barely walk, much less run.  It didn't feel like had pulled anything, but it was painful.  Finally went to see Dr. Cliff (Slyck had only been telling me to go for about 3 weeks prior to this).  Went through a few things, but then he told me to "cross my legs like a man does."  Did the right leg and it felt kind of tight in the hip joint area, but no pain.  Went to cross the left leg and winced.  Dr. Cliff knew right then what it was.  Have two appointments with the good Dr. Cliff this week and hopefully they will help.  Also, bringing the ice packs to work to sit on.  Don't laugh - it helps!

When I met with Slyck yesterday she mentioned that  in her conversation with Dr. Cliff that he said I wasn't ready for the "Slyck treatment" just yet.  I have to admit, I was a little bothered to hear that.  I know I complain about it being difficult, but I truly feel like I have been committed to this and have been not only keeping up, but also improving.  I've worked hard for over 5 weeks and to hear someone say that I wasn't ready for the hard effort kind of bugged me.  It also made me want to prove him wrong - that I *am* ready for the Slyck treatment.  Sadly, yesterday showed me that mentally I may be ready to prove him wrong, but physically my body has other ideas.  The simple act of running is painful.  We've determine that I can jump rope (quick jumps with both feet), squat, do flutter kicks (on slightly elevated step) and stand on my tip-toes.  Any lateral movement, or forward movement other than a moderate walk is out.  Lunges are also out until Dr. Cliff clears me for them again.

I think I'm one of those people who has this warped sense of "I'm going to do it just because you said I can't."  The funny part of this is that *I* will say I can't do  something and not have the same reaction.  But - you have someone else tell me that I  can't do that very same thing I just told myself I can't do - and suddenly I'm doing whatever it takes to prove them wrong.  Hmmm - maybe I have a bit of a "control/I'm right" issue.  You think?

So for now, regular trips to the chiropractor, ice packs, and Aleve and hopefully I can get back on track with the KYAK program (so dubbed by Slyck ... Kick Your A$$ Kamp).  :)

The magic of smoothies

With this new food plan (started on Oct. 3) I can't have any grains.  That means my standby breakfast of Grapenuts and almond milk is out the door.  :(  This new food plan also requires that have some kind of veggie at every meal.  Sometimes it's hard for me to think enough out of the box to figure out how to incorporate veggies at breakfast.  Sure, if I make eggs, I can throw some diced tomatoes into an omelet (or add spinach to an omelet or egg "sammich"), but what about other days when I don't want eggs?

Thanks to Slyck (the trainer) and her suggestion of smoothies, my problem is solved.  Just like they started hiding "a full serving of veggies" into fruit juices - I'm hiding spinach in my smoothies!  So far I've made a smoothie with banana and spinach and one with blueberries and spinach... and both were very tasty.  Added bonus to the banana one is that it is a fun bright green!  I feel very Seussical (or Seussian?).  The blueberry one was just a dark dusty purple color.

Want to try one for yourself? Here is the recipe I've been following:

1/2 C (4oz) Plain Greek Yogurt (130 cals) - I like Greek Gods Traditional Plain Greek Yogurt
    OR
8 oz unsweetened almond milk (40 cals) - I like Almond Breeze Unsweetened Original
2 C fresh/raw spinach (14 cals)
1 large banana (125 cals)
1 tsp cinnamon (6 cals)
1 Tbsp coconut oil (120 cals)
2 tsp agave nectar (40 cals) - I use Madhava Agave Nectar (Amber)

OR

1/2 C (4oz) Plain Greek Yogurt (130 cals) 

    OR

8 oz unsweetened almond milk (40 cals)

2 C fresh/raw spinach (14 cals)

1 C frozen unsweetened blueberries (79 cals)

1 Tbsp coconut oil (120 cals)

2 tsp agave nectar (40 cals) 

Those are the only ones I've tried so far.  Can't taste the spinach, but it's in there.  I read on another blog where a mother called the banana option "Irish Smoothies" and told her kids that leprechauns love them. :)  I'm guessing using strawberries would taste good, but would make a rather unappetizing brown color (red + green).  

Do you have a favorite smoothie?  Want to share?  Please add your suggestions in comments - I'm looking for "easy" breakfasts for the work week since I'm usually running late. :) 

Until next time - I raise my smoothie glass in toast to you!

Co-winky-dink

Considering that my past two posts have touched on my fear of failing, I had to post this (just saw it today):

Workout brought to you by your local hardware store

Sunday started a new phase (and new "program") of my "Jill gets healthy" journey.  New food plan and a new exercise program.  Both are kickin' my tuchas!  The new food plan takes a little more thought and planning than before and with the exclusion of pretty much all grains/pasta/rice I'm not able to fall back on my go-to breakfast of Grapenuts and almond milk.  Not impossible and this is only for 2 months, so I can do this.  Just means I have to plan ahead better than I have in the past.

Yesterday I arrived for my training session and just started to laugh.  As I pull up I see a wheelbarrow and a sledgehammer sitting out.  I guess Slyck meant it when she said we were going to get dirty!  Who knew that your yardwork standards could double as exercise equipment.  A quick jog to the mailbox pushing the wheelbarrow (full of rocks and dumbells - have no idea how much that sucker weighed), a few squats and deadlift type things, and then a jog back and I quickly realized that I have a LOT further to go on getting into shape.  When it came time for the sledgehammer - well I wish that I had more "oomph" left in me to really pound out my frustration.

Once again, I had a minor breakdown in my training session.  This time it wasn't that I thought I couldn't do the exercise "right" - it was just that I was so frustrated that I couldn't do it at all.  I could visualize what I was supposed to do, I was willing my leg to do what it was supposed to do and I just wasn't able to muster the energy/power to do it right away.  It kind of bugs me that when I work out this hard my eyes seem to "sweat" so easily.  Ok - yes - I cried.  Not because I am a wimp.  Not because I want to quit.  I tend to get emotional and weepy when I am fatigued (happens when I'm exhausted, happens when highly stressed, etc).  I absolutely hate crying in front of people primarily because I think it's perceived as weakness.  I know I'm being pushed out of a comfort zone (see previous post) and I'm ok with that.  It's just when I want to do it, when I want to push myself and I'm trying and my body just doesn't cooperate that I get frustrated.  Let me tell you - a runny nose and weepy eyes do not make for a good work out.  I was finally able to do about half of what I was supposed to do - and that took all the energy/power I could muster.

I think a lot of this stems from my need to "measure up" to what I think people expect of me.  I don't want to let people down or disappoint them.  If they ask me to do something a certain way - I want to do that.  This isn't a new thing.  I've had this ever since I was a kid.  I never wanted to disappoint a teacher - so I behaved correctly, did my work, etc.  I didn't want to disappoint my parents - so I did what they asked.  I placed expectations on myself and attributed them to other people.  I learned sometime after highschool that those expectations were self-imposed.  That I was setting expectations so high, but they were my own expectations of myself.  Sometimes I was a bit unreasonable in what I expected.  Maybe this is typical of an oldest child.  And it still shows up today - like when I lose it during a training session.  It's a mental thing, but there is a physical aspect too.  I push to achieve what is expected (both by me and my trainer), but when I hit a wall (sometimes literally) I get easily frustrated.  Unfortunately, that frustration manifests in tears at times.  Of course those tears then make me mad that I'm being "a wimp" and that only feeds the frustration.

Next time, Mr. Wheelbarrow and Mr. Sledghammer, I won't be taken down so easily.

My Comfort Zone ... a true love/hate relationship

Last week I came to the realization that I have a true love/hate relationship with my comfort zone.  Once again I have Slyck to thank for helping me to see this.  This isn't really anything new, just something that I finally see how it touches all aspects of my life - not just how it directly applies to this wellness journey.

Back when I was just 6 years old I started taking piano lessons.  My very first piano teacher was Mrs. Goodman.  Picture if you will the stereotypical "school marm."  She was slim, wore her white hair pulled back in a bun all the time, had glasses and was tough!  I remember practicing a piece of music she had assigned over and over and over again.  She expected perfection and would push until she got it.  I sat one afternoon practicing Solfeggietto and getting so frustrated that I couldn't get it "just right" that I hauled off and kicked the piano.  Of course, I happened to kick the sound panel and it popped off and into the piano.  My parents left it that way as a reminder to not loose my temper.  Thing is that I knew what Mrs. Goodman's expectations of me were and so I pushed myself to meet them.  There were times when I cried from pure frustration, but I never quit.  I didn't like being pushed out of my comfort zone, where it was difficult.  After Mrs. Goodman died, I had a couple of other piano teachers who would assign music that I was able to sight-read easily.  I didn't push myself.  I didn't practice nearly as much.  And, I got bored.  Once in high school I began lessons from Mrs. Lancaster and once again found myself being pushed and challenged.  To this day - Mrs. Goodman is my favorite piano teacher (with Mrs. Lancaster a very close second).  

Looking back I see this pattern in other areas of my life.  Anytime I've been pushed outside of my comfort zone I complain (ok - I whine) and whinge about how hard it is, how much work it is, and once it's done I look back and see it in a new light.  I enjoyed it.  I like the feeling of accomplishment once it's all said and done.  I don't like being put into a position where I don't know how to do something, how to handle it easily.  It spooks me a little.  Of course this triggers one of my biggest fears - failing.  In order to avoid failing I will push myself to learn, to do it right, and to succeed.  And once I've done that, whatever the challenge was is now a part of my comfort zone.  I *know* how to do *this* now.  I did it!  And that reward suddenly makes all the hard work worth it.

Over the past few weeks, Slyck (my trainer) consistently has pushed me out of my comfort zone.  And true to form, I complain the entire time.  However, once that particularly hard session is over, and I've survived, I suddenly feel great and want to do it all over again (and usually get that chance just 2 days later).  

I've learned that while I love having a safe place - a comfort zone - where I'm confident in what I can do,  if I stay in that comfort zone too long I get bored.  I thrive on the challenge - on pushing myself beyond what I already know how to do.  I look forward to being presented with new challenges.  Of course, I'm going to complain about them when they show up.  ;)

Until the next challenge ... 

Bloom where you are planted

My mother has often reminded me over the course of my life to "bloom where you are planted."  I've always taken this to mean that I should strive to do my best in all aspects of my life regardless of the situation.  I could be living in Maine, New York or Texas - and I should make the best of it.  I could be working in a job that isn't my "dream job" but I should still put forth my best effort.  It is a lesson I thought I understood and did a decent job of incorporating in my approach to Life.

There is more to this simple lesson that what appears on the surface.

A lot of sermons have been built on this simple old saying.  I'm sure many mothers have passed on this tidbit of wisdom to their children.  Many of us may have felt that we've taken it to heart and live our lives according to this tidbit of wisdom.  It wasn't until I saw Myrtle - I mean truly saw Myrtle - that I understood just what is meant by "bloom where you are planted."

This is Myrtle.

 Myrtle is a purple Dwarf Mexican Petunia that grows in the crack between the concrete of my carport and the base of my house.  I don't have Mexican Petunias planted anywhere in my yard.  My neighbor next door (Eula) does have purple and pink Mexican Petunias in her flowerbeds.  I suppose Myrtle decided that she needed her independence and somehow managed to end up in my carport. For the longest time I tried to get rid of Myrtle.   I never watered her.  Sometimes I attempted to pull her up, but she always came back.  Where Myrtle is planted gets little sun and little to no water.  She is alone - there are no other flowers to keep her company.  And yet, she blooms and survives.  A few days ago I saw that she had at least 5 blooms out.  This little flower has won my heart.

Myrtle has shown me that it's not just a matter of doing your best - it's also about fighting and struggling to overcome obstacles in order to show your worth.  It's about finding happiness in spite of struggles.  Myrtle has shown me that you have to keep trying, you don't give up, you dig in your roots in order to have the strength to bloom in the face of overwhelming odds.  And once you've bloomed - then you give it your all.  That bloom - so full of color - is like this burst of happiness.

Every morning when I go to my car I say hello to Myrtle.  Every morning I hear my mother's voice reminding me to "bloom where you are planted."  Every day I try to do just that.

All because of a Dwarf Mexican Petunia named Myrtle.

Do you bloom where you are planted?  Have you ever been planted somewhere you felt you had to struggle in order to bloom? How did you overcome that? What are some of your personal "fertilizers" - things that help you bloom brighter?

It's Official - I'm An Athlete

One week ago Monday, I became an athlete (so says my trainer).  I endured that rite of passage that anyone who answers to "athlete" must endure.  Did I complete my first 5K?  No.   Did I win a medal?  No.

I pulled a groin muscle. 

But here is the best part, how I actually pulled said groin muscle was about as non-atheltic as you can get.  I wasn't running or jumping.  I wasn't lifting weights.  What *was* I doing?  

Sitting in a chair.  At choir rehearsal.

Go ahead and laugh.  Trust me, I did too.  It is funny.  I went to cross my left leg over my right, and realized I couldn't lift it.  Try as I might, I simply could not lift my leg no matter how hard I willed it (c'mon - you can do it, just lift and cross .... AGH!).  It wasn't until I actually stood up and tried to walk that I realized it was injured.

I used to hear about people who pulled a groin muscle and couldn't understand what the big deal was.  I had pulled muscles before, and even though it hurt I could still function.  Let me tell you about a pulled goin muscle - it freakin' HURTS!  I swear I couldn't lift my left leg for 3 full days.  I limped around, winced anytime I had to step up for or step down from a curb (or stairs).  I sat with an ice pack on my upper thigh for 4 evenings in a row.  Really threw off my routine of exercise.  

Thankfully it's all better now and I can get back into my regular exercise plan.  Of course now I have the title of "athlete" to help motivate me to work even harder.

Stay positive.  Do your best.  Be happy.

Small steps

Yesterday was my first weigh-in after 1 week of following this new path.  5 pounds down!  I sort of feel like I'm on "the Biggest Loser."  5 pounds is a great start and I am very happy with it, but, I think there was a part of me hoping that number would be bigger.  Don't get me wrong - I'm very excited about knocking off 5 in one week.  I'm just more motivated to work harder to get that number larger on the next weigh-in.

As the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said “a journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.”

I suppose that means a journey of losing sixty pounds must begin with losing 5.  I'm good with that. :)

Are you on your own path to a new you (whether that means weight loss, general wellness, a new attitude toward Life, a creative journey, or a path of self-discovery)?  What keeps you motivated?  When you meet a potential obstacle - how do you get over it (or under it, or around it, or heck - even through it)?

Until next time, I'll keep taking my small steps .....

It's a new day, it's a new dawn, it's a new life ... and I'm feelin' good

Well actually I'm feelin' sore.  And a little cranky.  But it's expected for there to be some discomfort when you drastically change your lifestyle.  Right?  RIGHT??  And what better way to work through that "pain" than to write about.  So, of course I'm going to follow in the footsteps of my friends (and my trainer) and finally start my own blog.

I have my mother to thank for putting me on this path.  I think it's pretty telling when your own mother approaches you with information about a personal trainer she's heard about.  It's even more telling when she says that she will commit to helping you (me) financially.  My mom has watched me struggle since I returned home to Texas.  First was the struggle with "I miss New York, I want to go back" issue.  Second was the struggle with missing my close circle of friends - close in proximity as well as close in heart - with whom I could hang out at a moment's notice.  The last struggle, I think, has been brought on by the first two.  My weight. 

Which brings me to here and now.  The struggle is no longer an internal one.  It's there for everyone to see - especially my mom.   Since moving home at the end of 2004 I have gained 60+ pounds.  I went from walking everywhere, eating wonderful food (maybe not always "healthy", but always fresh), and having a decent social life to driving 2 miles to go to work, grabbing fast food at lunch because it was convenient, and having no social life.  I've grown bored.  And it shows. (Is this what they call navel-gazing? I mean my navel is farther out these days which makes it easier, but not all that pleasant, to gaze upon.)

I started reading "Eat, Pray, Love" about a week ago (I know, I know - half the female population is reading it too or seeing the movie).  I'm not going to post my thoughts on the book or movie here.  What I am going to say is that while her struggles were different than my own, I can identify with Elizabeth Gilbert.  I feel like I lost my appetite for life.  I've been following a rut, once in a while bumping along the side, but never quite able to break out of it.  That is until my mom approached me about this trainer.  I truly believe that all things happen for a reason.  This happened at a time when I needed it most - not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.  From the first time I met Slyck, I felt I had not only met an instant new friend, but an amazing person.  I'm excited about this whole change in lifestyle and some of that is because of my guide on this path, but it's also because it's a new challenge, a new route, a whole new way of approaching everything in my life.  Her focus on being aware of what you eat is creeping into other areas - and it's only been 3 days!

So, today is my second workout with Slyck.  My third day of being on a new food plan (not a diet!).  And my first day of blogging.



(man I really hope I get better at this whole blogging thing.....)

Two paths diverged in a wood ...

 How many blogs do you think started out with that very quote?  I think I'm the kind of person who takes the path less traveled, but I'd probably at some point decide that I need to go back to where I started and take the more worn path as well - just to compare. There is just so much in this world to experience and see!  I don't want to miss any of it.

Welcome to my wanderings.  :)

A few years ago I head a commercial on the radio for Country Time Lemonade.  I didn't actually catch the full commercial, but a part of it just jumped out at me ... "daydreams and detours."  I thought to myself that these 3 words summed up "me" pretty well.  My mom says that I am a free spirit ... a soul for adventure.  Some people may say I'm flighty.  I'm sure there's some truth in all of that.  So that's where this blog title came from.  Those words have been tossed around in my head as a title for a e-zine, then for a travel blog, then for a website, then for ...  you get the idea.  For now, they have settled here as the title of a blog - a collection of random musings, personal introspection, sharing of struggles, and the occasional deep thought.

I welcome you to join me on this walk through my life.  Sometimes it'll be an all-out sprint, sometimes a leisurely stroll. We may follow the well-worn path ... or we may detour off down some meandering, overgrown trail.  Whatever we do it's going to be an interesting journey.